Arsenal Preview. My Dad and his car.
My inspirationally youthful 93 year old Dad has just bought a new car. So what? You may well ask. And as predictable as ever Grumpster will say ‘ok then, so what’?
It’s a funny old game, innit? We can play Man City off the Etihad park one week and beat Leeds in a scrap another. We can be winning against Leicester and Yeovil until the 88th minute and then let them equalise. And then we have to play Arsenal at the home of English Football – the DW Stadium, London. The DW Stadium London, is named after a certain little pie eating town in the north-west, a football team with no significant supporters and an insignificant old codger who apparently once broke his leg. The Dave Wembley Stadium, PO Box 1966. The box number is clearly in honour of the World Cup win in 1966, but rumour has it that Mr Whelan has applied to change the PO Box number to 2013 in memory of another rather spectacular victory in which no goals were disputed.
“We beat Man Citeh with a Watson goal” And a crackin’ good goal it was to – placed and timed to perfection.
Wigan has always been renowned all over the world for their friendliness, and being disliked by the British media. Despite that, we still beat them fair and square despite the world telling us that Citeh never want to win against us.
So, we are on that familiar journey down the M6 and probably not the West Coast Line because the FA, in their wisdom and their need to get football to the ‘grass roots’ has scheduled the game so that it finishes after the last train to Wigan departs and children should be in bed.
Already Uwe is planning another tactical master class. The secret is to confuse the Arsenal scouts by playing appallingly against Leeds; substituting the stars of the day so the game ended in an unconvincing win; playing Coylesque-Pulislike hoof ball at Bolton to secure an undeserved draw; and playing a team of game winning reserves against Millbrawl. Even I am not going to reveal what will happen against Arsenal at the London DW – but I know. Roberto used the same strategy pre FA Cup Final …. even though you’d prefer to forget it – do you remember the Swansea at home game? That was all part of the plan.
Ahhhh, I was going to tell you about my Dad’s car. It’s astonishing really because even though he knows little about football he did record the FA Cup Final for me.
Unlike Arsenal, Wigan has a hard core of players who are familiar with the overwhelming, daunting and threatening DW London atmosphere. We also know we haven’t got a dog in hells chance of winning, just like we didn’t against Citeh. Every one told us ‘we’d get stuffed’. So we are going for nothing more than a good good time, just as we always have.
“We beat Man Citeh with a Perchie goal”.
Ali, as usual, pre kick off will face east and pray. Boyceeeee will show total confidence in his defensive friends and little confidence in his strikers and will decide to play as a striking full back. Jordi will control the mid field like Brenda controls the ticket office, with those inch perfect passes of tickets across the counter. In defence Ivan will be linking up his Kylie Minogue like class act with deft passes to McCarthur’s gazelle like weaving and blistering runs; Callum will just dance, he will ‘Strictly Dance’. Sir Ben will be there and may even take the penalty. As you can see we don’t yet have a full team, but I am sworn to secrecy from reliable insider knowledge not to divulge what the others will be up to. All I can say is that it will be remarkable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNJcd1pTaL0 (click for youtube .. I haven’t a clue how to put it in here yet. Same with the next one).
Arsenal will dodge; duck, dive and Carloza will fall over in the penalty area in an attempt to get one. Arsene will flap his arms with greater vigour than that of a swan trying to take off, his droopy anguished mouth will need the support of a scaffolding tower and the furrows in his forehead will be deep enough to plant potatoes. The ref may or may not send the right person off as McClean hurdles through a crowded defence to slot in a certain goal and is tripped. Oh, I forgot we’re Wigan. No one will be sent off and the goal will be disallowed. And if it looks like we may win there will be 4 minutes (standard) extra time added, as always. Arsne will be frustrated by “unconverted across goal balls”, a “poorer attitude” than Maria Millers’ towards her MPs expenses scandal and as “little personality” from his team as Andy Murray on an animated day, despite being ‘personality of the year’. (All quotes from Arsne’s post match interview after the Everton drubbing).
Benet will be on hand to clarify any refereeing ‘incidents’ and Les Bradds Lad will be trying to tame Boyceeunderated, but with little chance!!
The rest of us fans will, as is normal, be on the edge of our seats, biting our finger nails and holding on tight to avoid those frequent moments of near incontinence created by Wigan’s desire to entertain and be seen to be exciting. We will all have followed our pre match superstitions and routines. I have found that watching football can bring on dehydration so I shall be visiting Bree Louise for some stunning beer. Black Pearl will be the first, in honour of Boyceeee. The Naked Lady is very flowery and hoppy or should that be happy. Barnett’s ‘Black Force One’ will ensure that what has to happen in defence – happens. For the celebrations of Jordi’s goal I’m having a ‘Jubalale’. Because we are, I’ll buy everyone a pint of ‘Hoptomistic’, and then I will be helped to the curry house around the corner and the rest, as they say ‘is history’.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80EoQarNn6U“OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!”. We can do it again!!
Oh, my dad’s car. I’d almost forgotten. He said to me …. ‘I’ve got a personalised number plate’, which of course I didn’t believe because he’s not so pretentious, not that those that have them are pretentious. “It’s easy to remember for a 93 year old, look SCO8 WFV”. I pondered, just as I am sure you and Inspector Koo are doing.
“It’s obvious: SCorer 08 Wigan For Victory”, he said. He even knew that Sir Ben is number 08!
And that is the almost total and absolute truth, especially the last paragraph.
If any one thinks it would be wonderful if the Palestinians could have as much fun as we are lucky enough to have, then please consider signing the attached petition.