LATICITUS: Symptoms, and is it curable?
(Never before published in the Wigan Journal of Sports medicine).
Severe, acute and chronic Medical conditions associated with supporting WAFC.
Some possible diagnoses.
I am not from a medical background but I did my Masters degree at Wigan School of advanced Spots Medicine studying medically associated conditions which can develop from following Wigan Athletic. There are many, and I’ll touch on a few here. They are all evidence based.
Having done my research I was somewhat disappointed not to be appointed to the post of either team Doctor, or Doctor for the care of supporters and fans. Their loss, I say. I always fancied the snooze on the train on the way back from another CUP FINAL.
Insomnia – Only very few of us suffer from insomnia, but most of us from WAFC related exhaustion.
I’ll outline the symptoms of one of the more common pre match and match ailments. It can strike suddenly, acute, or be more lingering – chronic. My research started at the University of the Ivory Coast.
.The symptoms include abdominal or stomach discomfort, gut wrenching, either decreased appetite or hugely increased appetite usually presenting as a craving for either pies or mushy peas and chips. Sadly this is occasionally followed by a dose of the ‘squits’ or more commonly known as diarrhoea.
Fast, shallow breathing; but also an uncontrollable need to sigh hugely at frequent intervals.
There is often a feeling of general discomfort &/or unease; muscle pain or cramping; and unusual tiredness, or weakness. This is not to be confused with ‘hamstring injury’.
For all keen athletes you will know this as LATIC ACIDOSIS.
If you have any symptoms of la(C)tic acidosis, you should get emergency medical help right away, however, there is less need for immediate medical care with LATIC acidosis. It seems as if the best treatment is the sounding of a shrill whistle and then rest and maybe beer.
Many of those who have attended hospital for a CT scan may have had an injection of around 70mls of contrast agent. This is a clear fluid. The very good Radiographer will almost certainly have told you that there is possible risk of a reaction to the contrast agent, about 1 in 30,000. You may have been told that it is caused by its main ingredient, iodine.
My research at the University Of Honduras found me enquiring whether this was actually true or whether it was a psychological myth. The hypothesis was that my evidence, from a double blind cross over trial with a sample of around 10,000 per week indicated that very similar reactions to contrast were experienced in both the East stand, and yes, would you believe, in the normally sedate West Stand as well. There was never knowingly any intravenous injecting of any substances, let alone iodine based. With some of the sample there was oral ingestion of amber fluid, whose largest ingredient was water, followed by hops. My research was starting to indicate that there was a greater chance of an adverse reaction in ‘The Ice Cream Van’ stand at Crewe than there was in the CT scanner in Wigan.
The remarkable thing is that the symptoms of both reactions are similar. A feeling of warmth pervading over the whole body, as we score a crackin’ goal, occasionally a sickly taste in the mouth as the oppo equalise and sometimes a sensation of passing water, or pee-ing yer sel’ as we hold on to a precarious lead for dear life. Clamminess and itchiness are rare, but do happen. Occasionally there is a sensation of gloom and doom. Death is possible, but infrequent.
Fortunately for us treatment is often simple. “Time”, you will often be told by your brilliant GP, “is one of the most effective healing tools”.
A severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality
My studies at The University of Oman lead me to investigate general psychosis. Society shows that about 6% develop bi-polar disorder, and only 2% develop symptoms after the age of 50. For 70% of those that develop psychoses or Borderline Personality Disorder there is a social / environmental causation. Psychological problems at WAFC abound, sometimes showing signs of Wigan related bi-polar disorder. Within minutes a whole crowd, up to 10,000 people can be euphoric and singing to their hearts content and within a minute the whole crowd is in a state of desperation vying for the heads of their once favourite players. You will see grown men in tears and children jumping up and down as if on the local bouncy castle. Research has shown that mood changes are more extreme and quicker than anyone with a medically diagnosed psychotic bi-polar condition. Violence induced by the motion of a ball is sadly not infrequent.
South Stand Infections or Season Ticket Infections should be contagious. However, whilst we are usually told by our learned Drs at the sexual health or GUM (Genito Urinary Medicine) clinic that great care must be taken not to share fluids for fear of the unpleasant outcomes, I know from my research at Barbados University that the WAFC STI contagions are to be encouraged, often to the song ‘I Just Can’t get Enough’!! Both given the same name of ‘The Clap’, we know that one form of clap is to be avoided, and the other is to be encouraged. With Wigan Athletic STIs there is no need or requirement to share bodily fluids or do more that have a hug in a state of euphoric and orgasmic excitement when a goal goes in their net.
During my Research at the Conservatoire of Music at Ajax University I spent considerable time in the ENT department. I postulated that rhythm was with the body and beat was with the heart. Many professors tried to tell me that the lack of rhythm and beat was pathologically and medically related and that acoustic neuromas, labirinthitis and blocked eaustation tubes were to blame. My research proved quite categorically that the timing and rhythm of WAFC Fans was more precise and accurate than any choir with a conductor and weeks of practice. Even the King Singers. The Wigan Beat and rhythm is a localised medical condition in which a group of people with little rehearsal and practice, except at the weekly match can keep the most perfect timing, even if the tone may be a bit out.
Also known as onychophagy or onychophagia, is a compulsive habit, usually associated with the final 4 minutes. This period of the game has been referred to ‘Fergie time’, but at Wigan it is known as ‘Finger Nail’ time.
The ICD 10 refers to it as “other specified behavioral and emotional disorders with onset usually occurring in those final few minutes” However, not all nail biting is pathological, and the difference between harmful obsession and normal behavior is not always clear. Other repetitive behaviours include sitting on the edge of a seat and moving rapidly back and forth on it. Behavioural Therapy is rarely beneficial. The only effective solution is several goals
Otherwise known as ‘spots’, the dreaded curse of the adolescence, but the delight of the aged as it give illusions of revisiting ones youth. At Wigan the greatest affliction is nothing other than, and simply the penalty SPOT. Often a seathing and oozing area of conflict which, no matter how much squeazing of the ref, there is rarely a satisfactory remedy, except again ………. time and patience.
Whilst studying at Barcelona University I discovered a rare muscular condition known internationally as Laticisimus Dorsitis. It is a regular occurrence in Fans that go to away matches are given the rubbish seats behind the goal at the level of the cross bar. The laticisimus Dorsi muscle, as show in the diagram (ref Greys Anatomy & Wiki) is the large muscle in your back which keeps you sitting upright. That constant leaning to one side and then the other followed by uncontrollable leaps into to the upper stratosphere causes inflammation of the muscle tissue and occasionally excruciating post-match pain. (The meaning of the suffix -itis – is simply ‘inflammation of’).
By way of conclusion I’ll say that my worldwide research leads me to conclude, with a large sample of people, a controlled trial and well referenced and researched work that the medical effects of watching Wigan Athletic are many and varied, some needing cautious approach, but all, unlike other medical conditions – can all be actively embraced and encouraged.
LATICITUS is contagious, is completely incurable, there is no treatment except for more of the same, it can feature on the obsessive compulsive disorder scale and can easily last a life time.
For those who would like further information please send all correspondence to ES7 or The Wigan Central (aka ‘The WC’) where a full transcript of my research can be obtained for a large fee.
All work is peer reviewed by several WAFC supporters some of which have STIs, all display psychotic tendencies, latic acidosis is frequent, many have phoned in sick with muscular inflammation and a few have displayed all the signs and symptoms of extreme contrast reactions. It’s ALL evidence based and two of my research fellows are Doctors, one in East Stand with a STI and the other my wife who is steering clear of all STIs.!!! (I hope).